ranting is cathartic

Let’s see now where do i start ranting about these stupid distracting feelings i have for this one guy lately? Hmmmm maybe focus on the simple fact that i miss him. why should i miss him anyway? I think that’s the better question. isn’t it people miss someone when they’ve been gone for so long. it’s like you’re so used to having him always with you that - when he is not - you end up missing him, you feel lacking, you feel that something is wrong. but i ask myself again why should i miss him?

why DO i miss him? Who is he to me? Better yet who am i to him? I know for sure that he sees me as a friend. simply a friend. he hasn’t said that he consider me as a best friend or a close friend even - just a barkada i guess - but it’s clear that line we have. there are times - lots of long talks and sharing stories - that show how dependent he is on me. coz he knows i am there to listen to him. maybe also because i like the feeling when someone seeks my counsel or when someone wants to hear my views. it gives me this sense of meaning, this feeling that I’m needed - something like that i guess.

i guess that’s what i get with the bondings and long talks that we have. i somehow feel special that among the many friends that he has - i sure bet he has others - he would choose me to confide in haha!

When did all this start? i don’t know really. i don’t know when the tide started to turn - for the worse? Haha!
am so distracted i can't seem to continue writing a coherent thought about him.

i don’t see him as this special guy for me. i don’t see him as the long term thing. my friend is right - this is just infatuation. but still why do we have to go through all these frustrations? Yup! that's what i want to call it - these annoying feelings - frustrations! esp since i am left confused and distracted, dumbfounded even, of what really is my situation. what really is he feeling towards me? Does he simply get a kick out of making a fool of me? haha! i know i don’t want to continue making a stupid fool of myself!

I’m done feeling this stupid. ive heard enough from my friends - them berating me for the tactless inappropriate remarks, for being too forward, too flirty even is what they say. what me!? Haha! or making the wrong moves and saying the wrong things and slipping even more and giving him the upper hand which it seems he has! i really do believe he suspects that i have feelings for him. the question is what is he doing about it? Nothing! Simply nothing - coz for sure it's one sided anyway. So why am i even bothering with this? Am so used to being treated as THE friend anyway so what makes him and this situation any different?

I should simply move on and learn from this lesson - how to temper my feelings - how to simply go back to my original self - being the passive observer, the aloof participant, a bystander so to speak. that way it wouldn’t hurt this much.